clarity over chaos

 

discovered how to use a knife to lick love.

I have permitted myself to carry and endure a great deal over the last 20 years of my life, which has led to uncertainty and fear. My emotions and body felt so strange and alien, like the depths of the ocean.

In order to fit into spaces, I have abandoned and shrunk myself. I wasn't always conscious of this way of life because I had a belief and a system that enabled me to access the world around me. Prior to experiencing my first heartbreak,

 which shattered my perceptions and forced me to confront the depths of my emotions. It was then that I realized the importance of embracing vulnerability, learning to stand tall in my truth, and recognizing that love, though often painful, could also be a profound source of strength and growth. This journey of self-discovery opened my eyes to the beauty in both joy and sorrow, teaching me that each experience contributes to the tapestry of who I am. As I navigated through the complexities of relationships, I found resilience within myself that I never knew existed.

I wasn't always aware that my actions stemmed from a belief system. When things happened to me, I learned to keep quiet and carry on. I was the person that people used or took out whenever it was convenient for them. This was so normal for me.

Even so, there was a subtle feeling of deep sadness whenever a love song would play. I couldn't quite capture what I was feeling; my feelings were nameless, like ghosts and shadows under the bed; I was so afraid of confronting my own emotions that I became that one friend who always offered advice to others...while struggling, while keeping my own heart carefully hidden away. I played the role of the supportive friend, but inside, I longed for someone to see through my façade and ask me how I truly felt. Every smile I wore felt like a mask, and every laugh echoed hollowly in my chest. It was as if I were standing in a crowded room, surrounded by friends, yet utterly alone, yearning for a connection that seemed just out of reach. I often wondered if anyone truly noticed the sadness lurking behind my eyes. Each day passed in a blur, and I clung to the hope that one day, someone would break through the walls I'd built and embrace the vulnerable parts of me I kept so carefully protected. Before, all of this was unconscious; I simply went about my daily life sleeping with a bag of awake emotions dictating my every move.

despite my belief system's wisdom. Since I grew up there and was shaped by the darkness, there is still safety in the depths of my emotions. The emotions that have no names: I think I want to give them names so that I can control them and let them know that it's acceptable for love to feel like milk and honey.